I’m afraid you’ve caught me at a crazy time.  A time of existential crisis.  A time when I’m asking myself for the ZILLIONTH time “What am I DOING here?”  And, sadly, it’s not in reference to the kitchen after I’ve eaten my fourteenth cookie of the night.  It’s a real, serious question that I can’t seem to shake.

I’ve been asking myself this question for years, but this year and these past few months especially, I’ve been asking it over and over and over.

I’ve been living my life in Finland with my bags packed (figuratively speaking, of course…  for the most part…), ready to go at any moment.

“Finland isn’t permanent,” I’ve been telling anyone who would listen- including myself.  So, I’ve had one foot in and one foot out- ready to make the leap if only given half a chance.

And then I read a book which shook things up even more.  The book is called the Happiness Project.  And basically, the author is me.  She woke up one day saying, “My life is pretty awesome, so why am I so miserable?”

Because that’s the thing.  My life is AWESOME.  If I had to count my blessings, I’d be up all night.  Things in my life are GOOD.  Olli has a job he loves and it pays enough for me to stay home with the kids.  We live in a country with a generous social system, so my kids are provided for without question.  Our flat is AMAZING.  My friends are AMAZING-ER.  Olli’s parents are always willing to help care for the kids, meaning we can find at least some time for ourselves.

And yet, and yet… something is missing.

Reading this book, though, helped me in so many ways.  I’ll name two that relate to this post.

One of the first things she does is say, “Define the problem.”  She means sit down, take a step back, and look at the ROOT of the problem.  So, what’s the root for me?  I miss my friends and family back in Arizona?  Yes, but I know I would miss my friends in Finland tremendously if I left, so that’s not it.  The weather?  Well, yes, winter is pretty terrible.  But Arizona summers are no walk in the park.  What is it?  What’s missing?  What’s the problem?

So then she  goes on to define happiness as “The presence of good and the absence of bad in an atmosphere of growth.”  And it was like a lightbulb going off- THAT’S THE PROBLEM!  The atmosphere of growth!  I’m going OUT OF MY MIND singing the Wheels on the Bus and playing with Legos all the livelong day.  I’m BORED TO TEARS.

Yes, my kids are growing everyday.  And yes, everyday presents new and different challenges.  But people, they’re not challenges I’m particularly interested in solving.  Sometimes I just want my children to GO. AWAY.  I dream about a 9-5 job where I can have projects and see them completed.  Where I can create and discuss and defend and present and WOW!  Use my brain!

But would I want that?  Would I want to be away from my kids all day everyday?  Would I trade places with Olli?  No.  No, I wouldn’t.

And it’s good, really, that I don’t want a 9-5 job here, because since I don’t speak Finnish or have a degree in finance or engineering (curse you, useless social policy!) I won’t get one.

But then, what DO I want?

I want to be a priest.  A priest or a teacher.  Or an urban missionary.  Or a writer.  Maybe a pancake-house owner.  Eventually a bed and breakfast owner?  Perhaps I could start and run a children’s museum.  Or start an English speaking retirement home.

All while pursuing photography, of course.

What can I do NOW, though?  And which country do I need to be in?

Originally, I thought I needed to be in America- “Finland will always be here,” I said.  ”We can always come back.”

And, yes, that’s true.

But right now we have heavily subsidized day care with amazingly qualified teachers.  We have excellent public health care.  If I get pregnant again, I’m sure to have another fabulous pre-natal and birthing experience paid for by the government.  Olli loves his job.

I might be happier in America, but WE wouldn’t necessarily be happier in America.  And I’m not discounting my own personal happiness.  I have no intention of playing the martyr.  But again: identify the problem.  The problem is a lack of growth.

It makes sense, therefore, to exhaust every possibility of growth here where we have a social safety net.  Because just as Finland will always be here, America will always be here.

I’m not-absolutely not- committed to staying in Finland for the rest of my life.  But right now- right at this very second- I’ve got both feet in Finland.  Which will cause some of you to celebrate and others… not so much.

At least no real job means long holidays abroad are possible.  Always look on the bright side of existential crises.

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